Those who have never heard the call of the cuffs or song of the canes ask us all the time: why do we do it? Even if we are not hard-wired to be masochists (those who directly associate pain with sexual arousal), why are we still drawn to this?

The answer is complex because, of course, humans are messy creatures. We couldn’t possibly be straightforward, and half the time, we don’t know why we do what we do. Our motivation is different, of course, depending on which side of the dynamic we’re on, but we can draw some general ideas.


“You know how you feel when you get home from a long week of hard work, and even though you love your job, you have to leave it behind? I never got that. Maybe it’s the emotional labor of taking care of kids and family and job and friends, but I never get to put that stuff down. I always have to be ‘on,’ ready, active.

“The first time my Sir tied me up – I mean, really bound me good – and then gave me an order, it was like getting home from that week of work and taking my shoes off, sitting down, and not having to do anything. I didn’t have to think because Sir was doing the thinking for me. Sir didn’t let me make decisions – that was no longer my job – and to go even further, I wouldn’t have been able to if I wanted. The act of binding me made my brain shut up for the first time in maybe years.

“I totally panicked for a minute, but then He put His hands on me. He stroked my skin and hair, and He told me what a good Pet I was, that I worked so hard for Him, and He saw all of it. And this was my reward, to be cared for, to be relieved, to be pleasured at His whim. Because I was bound, I didn’t have an option to hold back, either, and it was the most release, the biggest orgasms I’d ever had up to that point.

“Submission for me isn’t about giving anything up. It’s about putting myself back in a place of reward and consequence for what I do. The worst part about being a grown up and a parent is that at the end of the week, there aren’t any grades to get, so there aren’t any ice cream treats. Yeah, maybe you get to go out or something, but it’s not because you did a ‘good job.’ I know not everyone gets it, but for me, knowing that I have a reward that’s just for me makes me want to be better, more efficient – and it makes me love everything I do even more, including the chores and boring stuff.

“In really thinking about it, yeah, I think the part about lifting away the emotional labor is the most powerful thing. Having to make decisions and choices for people all the time, having to listen and give advice and guide others, it’s rewarding and wonderful, but it’s a lot of work. I’m deeply grateful that my husband could be my Sir, too.”

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